I’d like to begin by stating that I fully believe that I struggle with being a mom, so if you’ve stumbled upon this post as a “how-to” page stop reading now.
The older I get the more I realize that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. My husband is a better parent then I am (See exhibit A), and quite possibly a better person. One of my biggest flaws is learning how to be okay with being less than superwoman. I do the best that I can and try to fill in the blanks later—but that makes me feel guilty. “Mom guilt” is what they call it, I guess. Apparently we all have it. Mom guilt throws us into camps and divides us (Cloth or disposable diapers? Formula or breastfeeding?) Mom guilt forces us to take on more than we can chew in attempt to prove to others that we are enough. But we are enough.
Let me say it again, I am enough.
You are enough.
My most recent mom guilt has been over the decision to stay in Texas with my two children (1 month old, Nova and 3-year-old, Frost), while my husband heads to North Carolina for work. I’m currently a stay at home mom while my husband is a professional athlete that provides everything we need and want. All I’m suppose to do is manage our household but more often than not, I feel inadequate. I fanticize about working a traditional job, putting my master’s degree to work. I don’t always feel built for the role I have assumed.
Over the years I’ve learned my feelings are shared by many moms. I’m tired of reading blogs of perfect moms and wives. Those articles often seem tone-deaf to what the world IS REALLY like for most of us. I don’t want to see your well-groomed child or your gourmet meal on fine china (also known as washable dishes). As for my child, he lays in sand and runs around with a dirty nose (See Exhibits B and C).
So that’s where this blog comes in.
My goal is to be open, honest, and raw through discussions surrounding faith, family, and sometimes straight up fuckery in the world. I hope you’ll follow me on my journey, participate in discussions, and grow with me!
P.S: Comment below, what is your most recent mom fail?
22 thoughts on “Master Mommy–The Failure”
I sooo love this article! I stayed at home for a year and half with my son and felt the same way you do. I often felt the need to prove myself to others.( so not worth it) I had to constantly remind myself that I was enough and equal to my husband(the breadwinner). Even though I am back working the struggle is still there. I feel when I don’t feel like cooking dinner or even cleaning. I feel that my time is limited with my son after picking him up from daycare….. the list can go on! #Failure
Girl! Cooking and cleaning are the hardest things to me! Being a working mom is tough too. Crazy how the grass always seems greener on the other side! Just keep up the good work and it’ll all pay off in the end (so I hear)
Love this! Happy to see you writing and sharing your truth.
I think most moms I know carry guilt of what they should be doing or what they wish they could be doing. Trying to be the best you can be right now and being kind to yourself goes a long way. Going from one kid to two knocked me off my feet and 16 months later I’m still working to recover.
Happy birthday, kid!
It so crazy to me how different having 2 kids is already. 24 hours just isn’t enough time!
Jasmine this was a great article! I can definitely relate. You’re exactly right all we can do is the best we can and fill in the blanks later.
Thank you, LaToya!
My mommy guilt I’ve lived with for years is allowing my son with mental challenges to live with another family. He currently lives in Austin and I’m in Houston. My son overpowers me in so many ways that I get exhausted trying to care for him in the time I spend with him. He is over 6′ and a big kid. He is extremely happy and loves being away from me and his dad. It’s as if he has his own independence. His brother Mitch also lives in Austin but visits on occasion with his brother.
I was a stay at home mom for 14 years. Loved it but didn’t know who I was. All I wanted was to go to work. Now I wish I had my babies back with me.
Mommy guilt remains with me always. It’s so hard to overcome.
You are very blessed with 2 beautiful children and a very successful husband. Enjoy every moment because it will definitely go by quick. You will be able to return to work when the time is right. Don’t have regrets or guilt like I do. Just enjoy every moment!
Norma, as long as you’re doing what you feel is best, you gotta let the guilt go. Its hard though I know.
My recent case of mom guilt is leaving the house to go study after I just picked up my son. I felt selfish. He wanted to spend time with me but I need to study for this test or I fail. But did I fail at being a mommy at the moment? It’s like a never ending battle. I enjoyed reading this Jas! Thanks for being so real! From one awesome mommy to the next.
I remember feeling like that when I would have other people pick Frost up from school so I could study. Or when I selfishly took him to Chick Fil A and let him play while I wrote. I felt like I was hurting him psychologically by not giving him 100% of my attention. But, I bet our kids turn out just fine.
I’m not a mom yet but I foresee the following challenges based on my experience as a teacher.
1) ignoring you while you whine about nothing that matters
2) not feeding you before 8am if I am hungover
3) giving you the option of bojangles or chick fil a even if you had it the night before
4) giving you punishment even if you cry saying “it’s not my fault”
5) saying please get away multiple times a week
I don’t know how accurate these may be, but they match my current lifestyle. The pace that I’m at, I have a while…. or longer. So you must continue this until Frost is probably in the 5th grade.
Ps. You’re great & I think you’re an amazing mom & wife.
haha the funniest thing is when you ignore them and they are telling you about something that actually matters! Then you feel bad that they have been bleeding for 5 mins and you weren’t paying attention.
So I hear….. lol
I can’t say I have mom guilt, maybe wife guilt for me. Some times overlooking my husband’s need to care for my children. My house is a mess, we eat out more than I would like but hey, I will get to it and that keeps me sane.
Our family motto is ‘We do what works for The Byars’.
Thanks for sharing our struggles Jasmine. This mom thing isn’t cotton candy and roses. We just give it our best.
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Man, I know all to well the new “wife” guilt. I’m hoping to even that out over time!
Oh my goodness yes! On so many levels!!!! My husband and I live separately too; he’s in the army and deploys often. We decided I’d continue my career in Texas and he’d go off for his job. And a million times I feel less than inadequate, but you’re right WE ARE ENOUGH! Our son is happy 90% of the time and that should be good for anyone.
So, I wouldn’t call it a mom fail but on more than one occasion I let my kid watch a lot of tv while I unwind from work and get dinner ready. Guilt comes in when I see other mommas’ posts about the great playground time or going to the little gym… ugh, I don’t have time! But he’s happy and healthy so I’m happy 😊
Thanks for this blog!!!
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Oh the TV guilt! Man I’ve been there, or when I would take my son out to eat and I would just hand him the tablet so I could get some peace! We gotta do what we got to do!
Also, the commenter below you “hooyahsandhallelujahs” talks about her experience as a military girlfriend. You may be interested.
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I’ve definitely been body shamed by family and my doctor. My doctor even suggested surgery. I’m sorry that happened to your. You’re beautiful and that lady at the store was wrong for treating you that way. Shame on her!
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My mom fail. I work 7pm-7am and come home as my husband is getting our son(6yrs old) ready for school. When I get off I’m tired (of course) I kiss them both, take a shower then lay down. So now it’s about 730am and I’m finally laying down but all I can hear is my son crying about everything. He wanted waffles for breakfast not cereal, he didn’t want a turkey sandwich for lunch he wanted a PB&J, he didn’t want to brush his teeth for school, etc. All I wanted to do was close my eyes. So I got up, told him to be grateful he had food to eat because some people don’t have food and said “the rest of the time you get ready it’s ‘quiet time’ you have whined enough this morning”.
After he left the house to be dropped off for school I laid in bed feeling like a failure. I finally got the silence I wanted, but not the WAY I wanted. I see so many super moms and I think “why can’t I be like that?”. Your blog makes me feel human.
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Before moving to Texas about a month ago I always worked and provided for my son (he is now 12) and myself no matter what. His father (my boyfriend I hate that term but we are not married) got a new job here and we relocated I quit my job and I knew that coming here work was not an option as soon as I got here. Taking on the role of a stay at home mom has been very difficult the major one is having to fully depend on some one else (a man) financially something I told my self I would never do. He provides us with what we need and want no problem it’s just me that has the problem. Having to cook,clean, run errands and pack lunches is not something I’m use to doing on a daily basis. Most times we would eat out or I would cook once every other day and we would do left overs. It has been a hard adjustment I like you also have a degree I would like to put into use and a nursing career I would like to get started ASAP but with our son now picking up sports in junior high and starting at a new school in a new city in a new state I will be his go to. I guess being a stay at home may not be for me.
Please stay encouraged. It has taking me a LONG time to find a groove (I still don’t think it’s for me). Do what you feel comfortable doing and don’t feel bad about it. It’s so tough trust me, I feel you! I totally still have a problem with it! Maybe start work part time when you get the chance then ease into full time if you feel you need to work but still want more time for the family. All of this is easier said than done! Hang in there mommy!